I Got a Job!

It’s been 19 days since my last post, and as you can see, I finally have something nice to say. This job is one I’ve been striving for for a while now. It’s a big one, and while I’m not entirely prepared for it, I think I’ll be okay at it.  

What is this new job, you ask? 

Well, I’m going to be a mom. 

The salary is quite crappy—non-existent, actually—but I hear the benefits are amazing. 

Currently, I’m 15 weeks along and we’re due April 5, 2014. I’ve actually known about the little bean since August, and so hopefully all my faithful readers now understand my random bouts of bitchiness and anxiety-induced whining about still not having a “real” job. Thank you for bearing with me. 

One thing’s for certain, though: this wasn’t unplanned. It’s something Jay and I had discussed, and part of what I hoped would make 2013 my year. When I lost my job in February, we talked about putting our plans on hold, but we ultimately decided there’s no time like the present. Like the chorus in the prolific Jimmy Eat World song “23” goes, you’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. And if I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that trying to control Life and make it perfect is no way to live. Mostly because Life won’t let you live that way. 

That much is evident based on how Life bestowed me with this great gift but at the same time didn’t give my stress levels much of a break. (Welcome to the rest of my life, right?) I will elaborate on all of it in a later post answering some FAQs I’m quite certain a lot of you may have, but for now I’m intent on keeping things positive. (And if you’ve got a Q you'd like answered, feel free to throw it at me in the comments.) 

Now the pragmatic among you may be wondering what, in fact, I plan to do to earn money now that we'll have another mouth to feed. Until very recently, I had these horrifying visions of myself being a pregnant woman on unemployment, but Life finally decided it was time to cut me some slack and I’ve been offered a full-time job at the place I’ve been freelancing at for the last eight months, which I’ve gleefully accepted. Hooray! So I guess, technically, I now have two jobs. (When it rains it pours, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and whatever other apropos clichés I can throw at this bit of news applies here.) 

Thank you all again for your patience with my whining as of late, and for your emails and notes of support. I promise that for the time being, the tone of this blog will change for the better—mostly because Life finally seems to be headed in the same direction. 

Almost (But Not Quite)

So I got my first job offer in seven months. And then I didn’t.

Feeling low-balled by the salary offer—which came in about $9,000 below what I said I was looking for—I tried negotiating, which the hiring manager wasn’t interested in doing. And so that was it.

Now this job was far from my dream job, but still it was something—but someone gave me a great piece of advice about not wanting to start a job already feeling undervalued, so I’m trying to take comfort in that. But while I keep telling myself, something is coming that will be the right fit for you, it’s getting harder and harder to believe.

In the meantime, I have my open house for the physical therapy program to look forward to next Monday, and there were brownies in the kitchen at work, so at least I don’t have to spend money to soothe my damaged ego with some sweets.

There’s always a bright side, I guess.

How to Get Out of a Bad Mood

Yeah, I'll own it: the past few weeks I've been a bit of a bitch -- to my husband, my family, to strangers on the street -- and often for no apparent reason other than I feel like it.

It's not cool, I know, and I try my hardest to stifle it, but sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm not dumb enough to think that purposefully hurting others will make myself feel better, so I'm not sure why I let myself get away with such antics. Just because parts of my life suck right now doesn't give me license to act this way. Plus, it makes this blog -- purported to be about beauty and comfort -- a total trick. There's nothing beautiful or comforting about the way I've been acting.

So I set out to change it. How? By turning to the Internet. (Much like that kid in the most recent Google commercial.) Here are a few gems I found. (Sorry, did that sound bitchy?)

• Do yoga
• Listen to relaxing music 
• Start a blog 
• Spend time with people who make you laugh

Well, I've done all those things... I go to yoga at least once a week; I'm currently listening to some David Darling, and all it's doing is making me wish I was at a spa; um, hello! -- blogging right now! -- and finally, my husband, who I see on a daily basis, can be quite funny (most of the time).

And as I'm sure you can gather, none of these "tips and tricks" have worked. So short of asking my doctor for some Lexapro, I'm at a loss of how to get out of this what-feels-like-a-month-long funk.

I wonder: How do you get out of a bad mood? 

And it doesn't need to be beautiful or comforting advice. Who knows, maybe what I really need is to punch someone in the face.

I Feel Like I Owe You an Explanation

So I know I’ve been kind of vague lately about my life plans and “rearranging my blocks” and whatnot. I’ve been hedging on revealing exactly what I’m thinking about doing because, well, you know how once you say something out loud that means you actually have to follow through on it? I’m a little scared (and sad) to have to follow through.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about making a complete 180 on my career, and going back to school to become a physical therapist’s assistant. It’s a two-year, associate degree program that I could complete at a community college. It’s obviously a complete change from what I’ve been doing for the last 10 or so years, but given how dire the job search has been I’m feeling the need to pursue a profession that’s more sustainable. I could go into a long tirade about how journalism today isn’t the journalism I signed up for in college, but I won’t because the only people who really care about that are my fellow writer friends who are feeling the same sting of the changing—and more often than not—declining landscape.

So why become a PTA? Three reasons: I could complete my degree in a year or two, make a decent living, and it’s a much more transferable skill to a city other than New York. Physical therapy is something I’ve been doing personally, and to great success, and I like the idea of a day-to-day that’s more active than just sitting at a desk all day. But I’m only mildly interested it. It’s certainly not my passion in life, and definitely not in the way that writing is (was?).

And since I’m being honest here, another reason I’ve been hedging on making this transition is because I feel like I’m giving up on something I love. I liken it to the feeling I got when my high school boyfriend broke up with me before he went away to college. I knew it was the logical thing for him to do, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad about it. (For the record, this is a metaphor. I love my husband, not my ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago.) The thought of leaving writing and editing behind truly makes me sad, to the point where if I thought about it long enough I could probably shed a tear over it. Maybe.

Some folks have been quick to point out that even if I do pursue PTA school, I don’t have to completely give up writing—I could still freelance, after all. And blog. But it’s more than that. It’s this notion I have that I’m “giving up,” and I’ve mentioned before how I don’t like it when Life beats me.

And so...

I wonder: Any advice for me? Do I pursue PTA school or continue in the manner I’ve been in?

How Life Is Like Tetris

I was playing the game on my phone while on the subway the other day, and I had everything lined up perfectly -- and I mean that literally. I had my blocks set up so that the square block that was coming up to play next would give me a full-on Tetris. (For the uninitiated, a true Tetris is when one clears the game of all the blocks.)

I thought, Oh my god, it's coming. It had been so long since I had cleared the board (first time in the mobile app), I was actually excited. How would the game congratulate me, I wondered dorkily. With my next move, I will have set the bar for myself, which is equally exciting and frustrating in follow-up games.

So I moved the block into position, and swiped it down. It landed, complete with the sound of the game's trademark thump, in the wrong spot. One row off to be exact. God dammit, I exclaimed, ever so softly but still out loud on the train. I had blown it. I got cocky, and wasn't careful enough. I spent the next 10 or so minutes of my ride trying to fix my mistake, and while I made some inroads I never did get close to that full clear. I was legitimately pissed.

And then it got me thinking about how my day had gone similarly. I found out I had yet again come thisclose to getting a job, but got beaten out by another candidate. Like last time, I thought I had nailed this one, but when all was said and done, I came up short. One row off, you might say.

Still, I thought, the game isn't over. While writing an article about how to effectively re-enter the workforce, I interviewed one of the authors of this book, who said the following, which has stuck with me throughout my employment limbo:

I do think it’s really useful to understand the macro-factors that are hindering you, because that’s also what’s going to help you make better choices. One of the main principles we talk about in the book is the idea of "try harder." It’s advice that so many people give over and over again when you’re stuck, and trying harder is often the absolute worst advice you can give someone. When you find yourself putting more and more effort into something that’s getting less and less results, that’s not a signal you should keep trying. It’s just the opposite.

The point being, it may be time to attack your problem from a new angle. 

So I'm thinking it might be time for me to find a new way to organize my blocks in life. I have a few ideas, but they won't be easy, so if I'm really going to do it, I need to full-on commit. And that, my friends, scares me.

I just have to keep reminding myself the game isn't over.

Photo: The Neurocritic

I wonder: Have you ever rearranged your blocks in life? How did you do it? 

P.S. I'm on vacation next week, so any radio silence here doesn't mean I've fallen off the blogwagon again.

Two Years

That's how long experts say it takes a person to get over an unexpected, traumatic event, like a divorce or job loss.

TWO YEARS. 

That sounds so long. And depressing. (It's worth noting that death is not included in this estimate. Getting over something like that typically takes longer.) What's more, these experts say you shouldn't try to expedite or deny this two-year process because that only postpones the inevitable day of reckoning. "After all, it takes time to rethink all the things that may be disrupted by emotional trauma, such as one's living situation, finances, professional goals and—maybe most important—how a person sees him or herself," Elizabeth Bernstein writes for The Wall Street Journal. (Ed note: I had no idea the Journal did these type of touchy-feely stories.) "There aren't any shortcuts. 'The whole sweep of your life has to be reassessed and rewoven,' Dr. [Prudence] Gourguechon says."

Makes sense. But still. Two years? That amount of time shocked me. That's 24 months, or roughly 730 days. Talk about dwelling on the negative.

I guess the good news is that given my crappy year-and-a-half, I'm halfway done with the drama.

I wonder: Do you agree that it takes two years to get over a traumatic event?

2013 Was Going to Be My Year

That is soooooo not the case.

I had such a crumby 2012 that I was convinced 2013 would be great. It had to be -- it was owed to me. I started the year off hopeful, but by February, it was quite clear 2013 didn't think it owed me a thing. It started off with receiving some not-so-great-health news, followed by losing my job (six months later I'm still technically unemployed), then my cat died, the IRS came calling for a couple grand due to a prior mix up, and most recently my best friend moved to D.C. Now yesterday, I found out I didn't get this job that I really, really, really wanted.

Wah, wah. 

Sure, there have been a few bright spots, but by and large 2013 has sucked just as bad -- if not more -- than 2012. I'm so ready for 2013 to be over that when people ask my age, I reply 34. (I'm 33.) I don't do it on purpose (unless you're 20, who ever wants to get older?) but I think it just speaks to how ready I am to move on from this year, this age, and this phase of my life.

This all sounds more dire than I really mean it to be. In fact, recapping all of this, I kind of have to laugh (and believe me, I haven't told you everything). Oh, Life, that fickle frenemy. For all the crap it's thrown at me in the last seven months, it's at least shown me that losing your job isn't the end of the world, I'm stronger physically and emotionally than I've ever given myself credit for, and yes, taxes really are as certain as death.

Speaking of strength, I do still have one holdout hope for 2013: this is the year I am determined to do an unassisted pullup -- maybe even two. Trainer Chad keeps telling me he knows I have the strength to do it, I just need to get out of my own head and make it happen. Easier said than done, but I am hopeful.

Photo: CentralMass.org

Randomonium

Because when I did a Google image search for "random," this is what came up.

Aaaah, it has been sooooooooo long!

I've missed this blog, and even recently found out that I have a few dedicated readers who I've been disappointing with my absence. (Hi Emily, Katie and Janet!) My excuse? I've been busy. Even with only working part-time. (I'm always sort of blown away by how running a few errands can eat up an entire afternoon. How did I do all this with a full-time job? And at a startup, no less.)

But alas, today I have some time, and feeling inspired by my friend Ilyse, who recently started her own blog chronicling her adventures in her new home base of D.C., I made a point to write today. There's actually been a lot I've wanted to write about in the last few weeks (month, really!), but never managed to fully form thoughts about. Here are a few of those thought-provoking topics: 

5 Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non-Parents 
I've heard some of these comments, and always thought I was being overly sensitive in being annoyed by them. It's nice to know I wasn't.

Women Who Keep Their Maiden Names Aren't Necessarily Feminists 
I just like my given name, okay? It has a certain ring to it.

Temporary Jobs Becoming a Permanent Fixture in U.S. 
This one hit home, because being in a temporary gig -- as much as I enjoy its flexibility -- is stressful for a Type-A personality who always needs to know what's coming next. It's a bit frightening to me that this could be the future way of the workplace.

Are Suburbs Where the American Dream Goes to Die? 
I like city life, but there are elements of suburbia that I miss. Like Target. A patch of grass that's all mine. Driving. (Until I drive, and then I hate it.) I'm known to sometimes romanticize suburban life, and this news doesn't make me feel good.

And so that's it. Hopefully one day soon, I'll actually have time to read an article, form an opinion, and then write about it.

But until then, it's been nice catching up.

I wonder: What's been on your mind lately?

If You Can Make It Here...

I don't like to lose.

Today I read about the film Frances Ha, which tells the story of a 27-year-old woman who moved to  New York City to become a dancer, and is beginning to experience the hard reality that she's just not going to be one of New York's chosen ones.

It looks comically depressing, and also more relateable than any New Yorker would like to admit:


Sometimes, New York can be the perfect metaphor for life: you constantly have to adjust your expectations. The last graph of the review I read sums it up well:

It gets the spirit of New York exactly right: the constant striving, the reality that you'll forever be surrounded by people who seem more accomplished than you and the deep satisfaction that comes with making it here, even if you have to reconstitute your definition of "making it." 

Which got me thinking about my own definition of "making it." I have forever felt like "making it" in New York was just being able to afford to rent an apartment here, probably largely because in that sense, I had "made it." There was a brief period in 2012 and the beginning of 2013 when I felt like maybe I was destined for something more, but that's since crawled back into the hole into my brain from whence it came. And so I'm back to the small victory of simply being able to afford an apartment here. (Never mind that the place I've lived in for the last six years is rent stabilized, which kind of feels like cheating.)

Now, I admit that I have my moments of New York loathing, lately more often than not, where I wonder what the hell I am doing in this city that is so expensive, so competitive and sometimes so soul-crushing. Still, I am resolute in the fact that New York will not beat me. I refuse to let it kick me out, which I've seen it do to people, whether because they can no longer afford to stay in it, or because they can't find a job. Not me. When it comes time to go -- and that time will come -- it will be on my own terms.

And honestly, I feel as though when I do leave, where ever I wind up, only then will I have truly made it. Because really, if you can make it here, you truly can make it anywhere, because New York is like the boot camp that gets you into the Marine Corp. of real life.

An Inspiration Edition

Arianna Huffington, Star Jones and Susan Lucci

And, we're back.

Another unwanted (on my part, at least) extended absence. But today provides a much-needed break that allows for some time to blog. And while I don't have any deep thoughts to share, other people do.

I had the good fortune to attend the National Association of Professional Women's annual conference today, and a bevy of inspirational ladies were in attendance, among them Arianna Huffington (I got to shake her hand), Star Jones (she re-tweeted me!) and Susan Lucci (who I awkwardly asked for an autograph when I happened upon her in the ladies' room. She was very gracious).

The inspiration was flowing like good wine, and I came home feeling a little hungover, but in a good way, like when you were young and stayed out too late drinking way too much but the next day you couldn't feel too bad about it because you know you had an awesome time.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes, and I use the term "quotes" loosely because I was taking notes by hand and not on my best journalistic game.

Lesley Jane Seymour, EIC of More, on the changing media landscape: 
It's a different world. When I started as an EIC, I came in, did the magazine and left. Now I have to do TV, social...you can't just lock yourself in a room anymore and say "I'm going to do this."

Arianna Huffington on the same: 
It's no longer about talking, it's about listening. We used to consume news on the couch and now we consume it galloping on a horse.

Huffington on staying healthy: 
When I wake up after a good night's sleep, I'm ready to take on the world. Isn't that a great way to live life?

Huffington on Lean In: 
We also need to learn to lean back to reinvigorate. Because that's when you get your best ideas.

Huffington paraphrasing Rumi: 
Life is rigged in your favor. Turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Huffington on how women judge themselves: 
If we can reduce the self-judgement we'd have so much energy freed up.

Monique L. Nelson, CEO of UniWorld Group, on what she would tell her 21-year-old self:
I'd forgive myself. Life happens. Either you can make it happen or it happens to you. I'd take things a little slower and not try to do so much so early. Eventually the environment took its course to slow me down.

Desiree Rogers, CEO of Johnson Publishing and the former White House social secretary, on the same: 
Don't allow people to tell you who you are.

Star Jones on the same: 
Place your health as a priority. I'm worth eating correctly, I'm worth exercising, I'm worth getting sleep.

Rogers on "having it all": 
It's a creation of my all. If I'm happy, everyone around me is happy.

Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, on the best advice she ever received:
Failure is life's way of telling you you're not on the right course.

Martha Stewart on taking a break: 
You should never retire. You should never even use that word.

Stewart's random tip on my favorite snack: 
Cook kale chips on parchment paper to make them crispy.

Stewart on hitting rock bottom: 
I've never hit a bottom. It's just a bump in the road.

The exchange Star Jones re-tweeted me on! 
Star Jones: Where does the toughness come from? Martha Stewart: Um, just dealing with crap.

Stewart on her one regret: 
That I didn't have enough children. It's just a totally different way of looking at things.

Photo: me

I wonder: What's the most thought provoking thing you've heard lately? 

Life, You Win.

Don't worry I'm not suicidal. That statement sounds more dramatic than it is. But in truth, it's quite freeing to have recently realized that I have no control over Life*, so I should stop trying to control it.

Those who know me, even marginally, know that I am a control freak. I like order, and I like to have plans. I always need to know what my next step is going to be, whether it's in Life or simply for the next morning's breakfast.

But lately, I don't care to see past the next 24 hours. In fact, I'm annoyed that my gym now requires you sign up for a class at least 36 hours in advance in order to guarantee a spot. I don't want to think ahead that far, because if I've learned anything this past year, it's that Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

No one would argue that Life has dealt me a few blows when it comes to my Life plans. So now I'm waving the white flag. Admitting defeat. Giving up. But you know what? I'm okay with it. It actually feels good to not think about the future. I feel like this is something Life has been telling me to do for some time now, and I've been too headstrong to pay attention.

Well, Life, you have my full attention now. Right here, now, in this very moment. I no longer feel the need to have the next five years -- let alone five days -- of my Life planned out. But who knows? Tomorrow I could feel differently.

Still, I'm not going to think about that now.

*I feel compelled to explain why I'm treating Life as a proper noun here. It's because I often think of Life as it's own person, someone who is occasionally there to comfort me, and sometimes out to get me. Basically, I see Life as a frenemy.

Photo: Hannah's Hope

I wonder: Do you plan for the future?

It's Real Simple

Real Simple's Kristin van Ogtrop

Finally, someone puts into words this nagging feeling I've had about Sheryl Sandberg's book, Lean In.

The book is something no one can seem to stop talking about, whether they love it or hate it. I personally haven't read it, and don't plan to, as I think I've gotten the gist from those who have: young women need to be ambitious.

Sound advice for sure, but something bugged me about it. Enter Kristin van Ogtrop, the editor of Real Simple, who I had the pleasure of interviewing once. (She was very sweet and kind, and tolerated my fan girl gushing over her magazine with the best quip, which I've forgotten exactly, about how she loves nothing more than to hear how much people love the magazine).

But back to Sandberg. I'm reading van Ogrop's editor's letter in the magazine's May issue (something I always do and who a marketing friend once told me research shows no one ever does). About Lean In, she writes:

Here's the thing: I don't want to be striving bigger/better/higher/more every minute of every day. I don't always want to have a larger goal. That just sounds exhausting and worst of all, completely joyless. I want to enjoy my days: past, present, and future. 

And I thought: that's it. It's all this striving women are told to do that's bugging me. I certainly don't judge people who are ambitious; I've been there and to a certain extent still am. But it's this notion that we can't -- or shouldn't --  be happy where we are right now that I think is ineffective for everyone, female or male.

I spent a good portion of my young adult life striving and wanting something more. I've often thought to myself, "Things will be perfect when..." or "I can't wait until..." When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to get to college. When I was in college, I couldn't wait to get out on my own and work in the Big City. When I got out on my own and made it to the Big City, I still wanted more -- a better job at a well-known magazine with an apartment all to myself. I got all those things and more, and I value each and every one of them and the experiences that got me there. But the thing is, I never appreciated what I had when I had it, because I was always after this "something else." Looking back now, I often feel like I missed out on truly appreciating the awesomeness of where I was at that moment because I was so focused on the future.

And so I'm trying hard not to do that now. After reading van Ogtrop's editor's letter, it dawned on me that the reason I have no interest in Sandberg's book is because she's giving advice I don't necessarily want to follow. I also found it poetic how the editor of Real Simple managed to make a complicated feeling I had so, well, simple.

In her conclusion, van Ogrop nails it better than I ever could. Speaking of her own Lean In epiphany, she says, "When I stopped myself in the office kitchen, I suppose I was telling myself to lean back for a moment. I don't really want to lean back for long. But I don't want to lean in, either. I know I'm most comfortable standing straight up."

Me too.

Photo: Real Simple

I wonder: Have you read Lean In? What did you think about it?

Nagging Questions

I'm not a big believer in signs, but two big questions have been coming up a lot for me lately and so therefore are hard to ignore. 

Part of the genesis of these questions has to do with a series of articles I'm working on, and part of it has to do with the advice I've been seeking on my own as part of my current career-centric soul-searching. (And for the record, the people asking these questions are not new-age hippies.)

The first: Am I successful? 

Having recently been laid off and see my income drop dramatically, the obvious answer would be no. But it turns out, the best measure of my success is one that I never considered.
.
The second question, which I now realize is inarguably tied to the first, is just as easily answerable:

How happy are you? 

Truth be told, I'm pretty darn happy right now.

How does this net out, you might be wonder?

No doubt about it, certain things are a bit unstable, and I don't have everything I want at the moment, but overall I'm feeling fulfilled in the work that I'm doing, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. I'm really enjoying just simply writing and editing again, and I like the flexibility that freelance is affording me.

And when I consider the network I've built through my career, and how invaluable they've all been to me this past month, I feel incredibly lucky. This network helps me stay afloat -- and I'm talking about my confidence as well as my finances here.
 
Freelancing isn't a path I've purposefully chosen to follow, but I certainly can't complain that I am on it at the moment. I'm realizing a lot about what I value both personally and professionally, and more important, I have a better understanding of what I want to make of my life, both personally and professionally. And the interesting thing is, these conclusions are ones I never would have expected to come to.

So maybe it's time to condense these two questions: Am I successful at being happy?

The answer is, absolutely.

Photo: Deposit Photos

I wonder: Are you successful at being happy?

Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Is Hard

Not that I am one. But I'm getting a taste of life as one -- minus the kids, of course.

Since getting up at 6:30 this morning I have:

• Dropped off dry cleaning
• Gone to the gym (Hey, I may not be wearing makeup every day, so I should still try to look somewhat good for my man in other ways, right?)
• Made breakfast; ate said breakfast
• Taken a shower
• Figured out tonight's dinner
• Started laundry
• Paid bills
• Followed up on lingering health insurance issues
• Made lunch; ate said lunch
• Finished laundry 
• Folded laundry 
• Did the dishes from breakfast and lunch

And I still have to go grocery shopping, make dinner, and do some freelance work, ideally all before the husband gets home by 6 p.m. It's exhausting, and very early Mad Men, and I don't even have a little one around who needs my constant attention. How women with children pull this off on a daily basis is beyond me. (And yes, I realize that me being able to do things like go to the gym, take a shower, and even blog, are considered a luxury in mom world.)

As a corporate drone, I often fantasized about that time when we did have kids, and I would be at home with them, and it would be soooo easy -- especially nap time, because that is when I would sit on the couch, eat some bonbons and watch soaps. The keyword here is "fantasized," because I know being a SAHM isn't easy, and it's likely that I will not be a SAHM mom at all, but a working mom, admittedly out of necessity more so than desire.

I've been wanting to write about this subject for a while now, because it's a topic I think about a lot, especially now, with my career in limbo. And thanks to all the press around Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's new book and Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer's recent decree, the whole topic of work-life balance is at the top of everyone's mind again.

But the truth is, Sandberg and Mayer don't have it all figured out. And if they say they do, they're lying because if they did, we'd all be doing what they do. I've talked to a lot of working moms (granted not exactly of Sandberg's or Mayer's wealth or status) and they readily admit that they don't know how to achieve this elusive work-life balance -- and these women have kids as old as 16. So if none of these women can figure it out, why the hell should I expect to? As far as I can tell from these conversations, the trick is to make it look like you've got it all under control.

With that said, whether or not your married, whether or not you have children, life can get bananas. And so...

I wonder: How do you balance it all?

I Have a Confession to Make

I'm going to admit something here that I've only told to a handful of people. I've only confided in these select few because it's a bit embarrassing for me, but after confessing, the majority of them react with something along the lines of, "Ohmygod meeee tooooo!" and we are forever bonded. So I feel confident coming clean now, because I know I'm not alone, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

You ready? Okay, here goes:

I like watching CBS Sunday Morning. And truthfully, largely because I really enjoy the 60-second nature segments at the end of the program. (Yeah, I said it -- program.)

In case you're unfamiliar, CBS Sunday Morning is a show geared toward old people. I envision the people other than me who watch it do so shuffling around in a bathrobe, possibly even with a walker, possibly even in a nursing home. The host is Charles Osgood, an 80-year-old with a fondness for bow ties, and who also can be found on that other old-person favorite, the radio.  Segments largely focus on the arts, and the likes of Ben Stein and Mo Rocca contribute, though I often wonder if your average viewer even knows who these two are outside of the show.

Shocked? Yeah, I always am too when someone else admits an admiration for the show that's only a year older than I am. (It first aired Jan. 28, 1979.) Perhaps even more shocking is how we all quietly confess that we actually make an effort to be in front of the TV at that designated hour each Sunday morning. And while I won't out anyone here publicly, let's just say my kindred run the gamut from the 20-something you'd never expect was even up at 10 a.m. on a Sunday to the guy who could knock the lights out of 90 percent of the population in a single punch -- and would enjoy doing it. 

But just as I'm not alone in being a person under the age of 75 who regularly watches the show, nor am I alone in being able to explain why we find the show enjoyable. They don't ask hard questions of their interview subjects, and I often find the segments to be a bit behind the times -- literally. I often find myself thinking as I watch, "Oh, how cute. The Times wrote about that three weeks ago."

So while I can't say for sure, I happen to think the enjoyment in watching the show goes back to that comfort thing, like we're spending Sunday morning with our grandparents over breakfast.

Not that I ever did that. But it sure sounds nice. Particularly if fancy bow ties are involved.

Photo: 1337x.org

I wonder: What "old person" show do you enjoy watching?

March, I'm So Glad You're Here

Yes sir, that's the life

That's actually the lead lyric for one of my favorite songs by The Reputation:

"March I'm so glad you're here/where have you been all my life/it's funny how everyone acts like this has never happened before"

For the last few years, February has been a mixed bag of personal highs and lows, with particularly significant events occurring on Leap Day. I'm not sure why February is filled with kickers for me, but that seems to be the trend as of late. So after a particularly trying month, I was lucky enough to have a husband who realized I -- we -- needed a break, and so we jetted off to San Juan, Puerto Rico, for a few days, hence the radio silence on the blog, loyal readers.

The vacation, however short, was everything I needed: the only thing on the agenda was that there was no agenda, and for the first time in a long time, I could simply do nothing.

Because despite being laid off, "nothing" certainly isn't something I've been doing much of in these last few weeks since the news broke -- and it's paid off. It seems the career crisis the lay off caused has righted itself for the time being: Beginning this week, I start a part-time editing gig filling in for someone on maternity leave. Barring any more unexpected bombs, I have a bit of security for the next four months, which has put me a little at ease (and allotted me more time to figure things out).

So while I was loathe to end a vacation that warmed me in more ways than one, I knew that once it was over, March would be here, and for that, I am glad.

As for February? You can eff off for the next 11 months.

Photo: Me

I wonder: Is there a particular month you find trying?

If You Mess With the Bull...

The other day, I came up with what I think is simply the best simile for my life as it is now. (I am of course, biased at its awesomeness.)

For various reasons, my current state of existence is on shaky ground. Things are uncertain (but aren't they always?), unusually challenging, and fraught with frequent doubt.

I feel like I keep making strides and then Life intervenes and says, "Oh, that? Yeah, no, that's not happening," without even so much as a "sorry," or even an explanation for why. It's like when I was kid and would whine to my father about how his denial of whatever thing it was I wanted at the time was soooooo unfair. "Well, life's not fair," he would reply, which I never found to be a valid explanation. It would just leave me feeling frustrated, angry and dejected, much like I tend to feel these days.

But unlike when I was kid, I am choosing to be defiant. No, you say? Well, I'm going to ignore that and continue on as planned.

And so I feel like I'm taunting a bull, which is either going to huff at me through its nostrils and walk away or completely ram me, possibly gutting me in the process.

Graphic, sure, but good one, no?

Photo: Drawing In

Oh, Hello Again

So a week in and I've already reneged on my promise to write every day. (Which I've thought about multiple times editing to "almost" every day.)

Truth be told, I've been surprisingly busy for being unemployed. (In fact, I'm trying to finish this blog post in the 12 minutes it's taking to hard-boil some eggs.) Here's what I have been doing:

• Freelancing 
• Applying for jobs 
• Meeting up with old colleagues for coffee and clarity 

Here's what I haven't been doing:

• Blogging 
• Keeping up with my gratitude journal 
• Cooking for my husband like I had hoped when this extra time was bestowed upon me 

(Yeah, I know. I'm bummed about the gratitude journal, too, because I heard how it inspired so many of you. But I plan to get back to it tonight. That I promise.)

What I'm realizing (and what I'm currently struggling with) is that I have to make a decision. Spending four hours each morning job hunting, customizing cover letters and sending out resumes followed by eight hours of sending out pitches and working on freelance assignments has me working like I'm back at a startup. And I don't like it. So I need to choose: Am I going to pursue a full-time job, or am I going to pursue freelance? Freelance is appealing because of the flexibility, and the fact that it would truly afford me the chance to get back to basics, like I'm so badly claiming to want. A full-time job, on the other hand, will afford me a steady salary which would inevitably put me at ease.

So, I wonder: What say you?

It Ain't All Bad

I woke up this morning and had this thought about how the tagline of my blog is "Because life should be about beauty and comfort," and so far every post I've written is full of complaints or bad news. So in an effort to not feel like I'm baiting-and-switching my readers (all 164 of you so far!) today's post is going to be all about the good stuff that's happened recently.

A week or so ago, I read an article in my favorite newspaper, the banner of fine journalism that is the free Metro, about how you can train your brain to think positively by writing in a gratitude journal at the end of each day. A little corny? Sure, but I decided to try it, and I'll admit I'm enjoying the ritual each night.

Now to me, keeping a journal means rambling on about your day for at least a few pages, but this article simply recommended identifying at least two things from your day that you are thankful happened, plus the day's best moment in a sentence or two. (I further streamlined by resorting to fragments.) I've been keeping the journal for about a week now, and this morning decided to share a sampling of some of my moments so far (names have been abbreviated to protect the innocent):

Feb. 6 
Grateful for:
A's career advice
The nice guy from Time Warner Cable who slashed our bill

Best moment: 
Dinner with my best friend

Feb. 8 
Grateful for:
Y's generosity in the job hunt and in life
Dumb luck with subway train timing

Best moment: 
Passion Pit's "Sleepyhead" encore

Feb. 12
Grateful for: 
C's good news
My thoughtful MIL

Best moment: 
Submitting my swan song piece for L

As you can see, some of the moments are seemingly small but still significant to me, while others are just small. (Consider how "taking a nap" has actually made an appearance.) The only rule for the journal outlined in the article is that you cannot repeat your gratitude, which has occasionally made it hard to complete. I won't lie, there are days when I really have to think about the day's best moment and what I'm thankful for because I can only put down "my husband cooking for me" just once. Still, it's a good reminder that even on the worst or most boring of days, there is always something to appreciate.

So with that in mind...

I wonder: What moment--big or small--are you grateful for so far today?

What It's Like Filing for Unemployment

 Call me cocky, but filing for unemployment is something I never thought I'd have to do.

I'm 33, and up until now, I'd never been let go from a job. I know I'm a good employee, and my bosses tend to love me because I am insanely organized -- and who ever wants to let someone like that go?

Well, someone did, and so today I found myself on the New York State Department of Labor site answering questions about whether I left my job voluntarily and if I earned more than $402 in the last week. The process was easy, and (good tip forthcoming!) didn't even require half the paperwork it forewarned gathering before starting. They even offer direct deposit! So there went my visions of waiting in line in some drab, DMV-like office with my unemployed brethren, and I couldn't have been more relieved.

Why? Because I'm ashamed. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I know the layoff wasn't personal, but it feels like it was, and I often wonder what I could have done differently in order to have kept my job. (Even if it is a bit of relief to no longer be working 15-hour days, I would have preferred to be the one initiating the leaving.)

I should know by now that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, and so doing something like filing for unemployment should in a way come as no surprise.

To that end, here's is a list of some other things I think I will never do in my lifetime, so life, if you're reading this, you can thank me later for making your job easy enough so that you don't find yourself on the unemployment line. 

5 Things I Will Never Do: 

• Go to Russia 
• Have a boy 
• Be a size 00
• Win the lottery 
• Kiss Jake Gyllenhaal

I wonder: Is there anything, positive or negative, that you never thought you'd do but ended up doing?

Photo: Rockford Register