I've Missed You. (No, Really, I Have)

He has risen and so have I. (Happy Easter, everyone!)

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last blogged. (Remember when I said I would blog every day? Ha!) My absence is certainly not on purpose, and it's not like I haven't thought about you, my dear readers, these last few weeks. Things have just been busy work-wise, which isn't really something I can complain about, given that I'm trying to re-establish my freelance career. (I'll have proof of my absence soon when some of the articles I've been laboring over are published.)

One thing I've realized is that the busier you are the less time you have for some personal reflection -- which could really be made into an argument for all of us taking a chill pill from time to time, but I digress. With so much obligation, work-wise or otherwise, it's a bit of brain drain to the point that when you have a few free minutes, all you want to do is zone out, not necessarily contemplate life, which is what this blog is all about. 

Hence why there's not really a point to this post either. Still, I'm just happy to be back, and hope you're glad to see me, too.

More soon.

Nagging Questions

I'm not a big believer in signs, but two big questions have been coming up a lot for me lately and so therefore are hard to ignore. 

Part of the genesis of these questions has to do with a series of articles I'm working on, and part of it has to do with the advice I've been seeking on my own as part of my current career-centric soul-searching. (And for the record, the people asking these questions are not new-age hippies.)

The first: Am I successful? 

Having recently been laid off and see my income drop dramatically, the obvious answer would be no. But it turns out, the best measure of my success is one that I never considered.
.
The second question, which I now realize is inarguably tied to the first, is just as easily answerable:

How happy are you? 

Truth be told, I'm pretty darn happy right now.

How does this net out, you might be wonder?

No doubt about it, certain things are a bit unstable, and I don't have everything I want at the moment, but overall I'm feeling fulfilled in the work that I'm doing, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. I'm really enjoying just simply writing and editing again, and I like the flexibility that freelance is affording me.

And when I consider the network I've built through my career, and how invaluable they've all been to me this past month, I feel incredibly lucky. This network helps me stay afloat -- and I'm talking about my confidence as well as my finances here.
 
Freelancing isn't a path I've purposefully chosen to follow, but I certainly can't complain that I am on it at the moment. I'm realizing a lot about what I value both personally and professionally, and more important, I have a better understanding of what I want to make of my life, both personally and professionally. And the interesting thing is, these conclusions are ones I never would have expected to come to.

So maybe it's time to condense these two questions: Am I successful at being happy?

The answer is, absolutely.

Photo: Deposit Photos

I wonder: Are you successful at being happy?

Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Is Hard

Not that I am one. But I'm getting a taste of life as one -- minus the kids, of course.

Since getting up at 6:30 this morning I have:

• Dropped off dry cleaning
• Gone to the gym (Hey, I may not be wearing makeup every day, so I should still try to look somewhat good for my man in other ways, right?)
• Made breakfast; ate said breakfast
• Taken a shower
• Figured out tonight's dinner
• Started laundry
• Paid bills
• Followed up on lingering health insurance issues
• Made lunch; ate said lunch
• Finished laundry 
• Folded laundry 
• Did the dishes from breakfast and lunch

And I still have to go grocery shopping, make dinner, and do some freelance work, ideally all before the husband gets home by 6 p.m. It's exhausting, and very early Mad Men, and I don't even have a little one around who needs my constant attention. How women with children pull this off on a daily basis is beyond me. (And yes, I realize that me being able to do things like go to the gym, take a shower, and even blog, are considered a luxury in mom world.)

As a corporate drone, I often fantasized about that time when we did have kids, and I would be at home with them, and it would be soooo easy -- especially nap time, because that is when I would sit on the couch, eat some bonbons and watch soaps. The keyword here is "fantasized," because I know being a SAHM isn't easy, and it's likely that I will not be a SAHM mom at all, but a working mom, admittedly out of necessity more so than desire.

I've been wanting to write about this subject for a while now, because it's a topic I think about a lot, especially now, with my career in limbo. And thanks to all the press around Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's new book and Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer's recent decree, the whole topic of work-life balance is at the top of everyone's mind again.

But the truth is, Sandberg and Mayer don't have it all figured out. And if they say they do, they're lying because if they did, we'd all be doing what they do. I've talked to a lot of working moms (granted not exactly of Sandberg's or Mayer's wealth or status) and they readily admit that they don't know how to achieve this elusive work-life balance -- and these women have kids as old as 16. So if none of these women can figure it out, why the hell should I expect to? As far as I can tell from these conversations, the trick is to make it look like you've got it all under control.

With that said, whether or not your married, whether or not you have children, life can get bananas. And so...

I wonder: How do you balance it all?

Daylight Savings Sucks

There is nothing I hate more than being thrown off schedule and that is exactly what daylight savings does. I know I'm not the only one to detest daylight savings -- it turns out cows don't like it much either. Writes Bora Zivkovic in the Scientific American:

Come Sunday morning, when the milking machines get attached to their udders a whole hour too early, the otherwise placid bovines on dairy farms around the United States will snort in surprise and dismay. They may give less milk than usual. They could take days or weeks to get used to the new milking schedules.

Zikovic argues that humans are no different, and that having to "spring forward" and "fall back" every few months not only messes with our sleep and social schedules, but with our life, too:

Chronobiologists who study circadian rhythms know that for several days after the spring-forward clock resetting – and especially that first Monday – traffic accidents increase, workplace injuries go up and, perhaps most telling, incidences of heart attacks rise sharply. Cases of depression also go up.

While I had no idea chronobiologists exist, I can attest that, personally, that first Monday after springing-forward is mired in grumpiness and clumsiness as my body adjusts to beginning its work an hour earlier than usual.

So why do we do it? Zikovic sees no good reason, calling b.s. on the argument that it helps conserve energy. But perhaps even more telling, Zikovic points out that we still do daylight savings because no one seems to know who has authority over abolishing this ancient rule.

So looks like we'll be doing DST until the cows come home.

I Have a Confession to Make

I'm going to admit something here that I've only told to a handful of people. I've only confided in these select few because it's a bit embarrassing for me, but after confessing, the majority of them react with something along the lines of, "Ohmygod meeee tooooo!" and we are forever bonded. So I feel confident coming clean now, because I know I'm not alone, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

You ready? Okay, here goes:

I like watching CBS Sunday Morning. And truthfully, largely because I really enjoy the 60-second nature segments at the end of the program. (Yeah, I said it -- program.)

In case you're unfamiliar, CBS Sunday Morning is a show geared toward old people. I envision the people other than me who watch it do so shuffling around in a bathrobe, possibly even with a walker, possibly even in a nursing home. The host is Charles Osgood, an 80-year-old with a fondness for bow ties, and who also can be found on that other old-person favorite, the radio.  Segments largely focus on the arts, and the likes of Ben Stein and Mo Rocca contribute, though I often wonder if your average viewer even knows who these two are outside of the show.

Shocked? Yeah, I always am too when someone else admits an admiration for the show that's only a year older than I am. (It first aired Jan. 28, 1979.) Perhaps even more shocking is how we all quietly confess that we actually make an effort to be in front of the TV at that designated hour each Sunday morning. And while I won't out anyone here publicly, let's just say my kindred run the gamut from the 20-something you'd never expect was even up at 10 a.m. on a Sunday to the guy who could knock the lights out of 90 percent of the population in a single punch -- and would enjoy doing it. 

But just as I'm not alone in being a person under the age of 75 who regularly watches the show, nor am I alone in being able to explain why we find the show enjoyable. They don't ask hard questions of their interview subjects, and I often find the segments to be a bit behind the times -- literally. I often find myself thinking as I watch, "Oh, how cute. The Times wrote about that three weeks ago."

So while I can't say for sure, I happen to think the enjoyment in watching the show goes back to that comfort thing, like we're spending Sunday morning with our grandparents over breakfast.

Not that I ever did that. But it sure sounds nice. Particularly if fancy bow ties are involved.

Photo: 1337x.org

I wonder: What "old person" show do you enjoy watching?

March, I'm So Glad You're Here

Yes sir, that's the life

That's actually the lead lyric for one of my favorite songs by The Reputation:

"March I'm so glad you're here/where have you been all my life/it's funny how everyone acts like this has never happened before"

For the last few years, February has been a mixed bag of personal highs and lows, with particularly significant events occurring on Leap Day. I'm not sure why February is filled with kickers for me, but that seems to be the trend as of late. So after a particularly trying month, I was lucky enough to have a husband who realized I -- we -- needed a break, and so we jetted off to San Juan, Puerto Rico, for a few days, hence the radio silence on the blog, loyal readers.

The vacation, however short, was everything I needed: the only thing on the agenda was that there was no agenda, and for the first time in a long time, I could simply do nothing.

Because despite being laid off, "nothing" certainly isn't something I've been doing much of in these last few weeks since the news broke -- and it's paid off. It seems the career crisis the lay off caused has righted itself for the time being: Beginning this week, I start a part-time editing gig filling in for someone on maternity leave. Barring any more unexpected bombs, I have a bit of security for the next four months, which has put me a little at ease (and allotted me more time to figure things out).

So while I was loathe to end a vacation that warmed me in more ways than one, I knew that once it was over, March would be here, and for that, I am glad.

As for February? You can eff off for the next 11 months.

Photo: Me

I wonder: Is there a particular month you find trying?

But Isn't It Really All About the Benjamins, Baby?

They say that money doesn't buy you happiness, and while this may mean I'm shallower than I think, I may have to disagree.

First off, it's easy to say that when you have money. When you don't have it, or at least a steady flow of it, you realize how the absence of it takes away some of the things in life that make you happy. For example, I'm currently missing my weekly manicures and bi-weekly workouts with a trainer.  (I know, I know -- I sound like a Kardashian. I even kind of hate myself right now.) I know these are material things, but I'd be lying if I said they didn't add to my level of happiness, and only now do I realize how badly I took both for granted. (Now to be fair to myself, my money-to-happiness ratio is not all about me: I miss feeling okay with giving a generous tip to a waiter or waitress, and even dropping a dollar or two to a really talented subway musician.)

The other thing money provides that makes me happy is security. Before I lost my job, we were looking at buying an apartment. Now that money earmarked for a down payment has become our safety net, which helps me feel at ease, if not entirely happy. But much like happiness, I know that money won't last forever, and that in turn makes me worry, which doesn't make me happy. You following?

It's okay -- I'm not sure I do either. I just know that I'm more worried than happy right now. But that doesn't mean I haven't been happy ever in the past month. (Thank you gratitude journal!)

Now some people would tell me the best things in life are free, and I believe this is true, too. I didn't have to pay for my husband, family and friends, which ties into the follow-up rebuttal that money can't buy you love. Though I'm not sure I agree with that one either. And I'm pretty sure a Kardashian would agree with me.

Photo: Wikipedia

I wonder: Do you think it's shallow to associate money with happiness?

My Happy Place Is for the Birds

I've come to realize I have a bit of an obsession with birds. I'm not sure what this means, though I'm sure some therapist could tell me.

I know different birds symbolize different things, but I don't have a particular fondness for any one bird. Instead, I simply enjoy the sound of their voice. Their tweets are comforting to me, so much so that I occasionally crave the sound. In fact, birds are part of the reason I enjoy early mornings so much -- before the rest of the world is awake, it can feel like it's just me and them, and they could care less about me eavesdropping on their conversation.

Still, I don't think I could ever keep a bird as a pet. We had a few finches when I was a kid and -- besides the fact that they never lived long -- I always found it sad that they had to be caged up, unable to use their wings, like a human confined to a wheelchair. It seemed to me no way to live life, no matter how tiny your brain might be.

And so when I'm feeling stressed, the birds have become my form of meditation where I run to a park near my apartment, sans headphones. The fact that to start, I have to run an overpass of a major highway that parallels a loud, above-ground subway line only makes the moment I hit the park that much sweeter -- finally, quiet, and the sounds of the birds chirping, my breath, and my feet hitting the pavement always quiets my mind. When I can't run, I switch on the music of this composer I discovered, who often incorporates the sounds of birds in his music. It's totally the kind of music you'd hear at a spa (truth be told, that's where I first heard it) and makes me feel like a bit of a new age hippie who should be in New Paltz instead of New York City, but whatever, it does the trick in a pinch.

Lately, I've trying to find meaning in this obsession, which is something I do a lot -- try to find the meaning in things good or bad. So I have been thinking about this bird-mania for a while now, which seems to have intensified as of late, and it just dawned on me that yes, I enjoy it -- can't that be the meaning? 

Photo: Watch the Birds

I wonder: What inexplicable sound soothes you?

If You Mess With the Bull...

The other day, I came up with what I think is simply the best simile for my life as it is now. (I am of course, biased at its awesomeness.)

For various reasons, my current state of existence is on shaky ground. Things are uncertain (but aren't they always?), unusually challenging, and fraught with frequent doubt.

I feel like I keep making strides and then Life intervenes and says, "Oh, that? Yeah, no, that's not happening," without even so much as a "sorry," or even an explanation for why. It's like when I was kid and would whine to my father about how his denial of whatever thing it was I wanted at the time was soooooo unfair. "Well, life's not fair," he would reply, which I never found to be a valid explanation. It would just leave me feeling frustrated, angry and dejected, much like I tend to feel these days.

But unlike when I was kid, I am choosing to be defiant. No, you say? Well, I'm going to ignore that and continue on as planned.

And so I feel like I'm taunting a bull, which is either going to huff at me through its nostrils and walk away or completely ram me, possibly gutting me in the process.

Graphic, sure, but good one, no?

Photo: Drawing In

Oh, Hello Again

So a week in and I've already reneged on my promise to write every day. (Which I've thought about multiple times editing to "almost" every day.)

Truth be told, I've been surprisingly busy for being unemployed. (In fact, I'm trying to finish this blog post in the 12 minutes it's taking to hard-boil some eggs.) Here's what I have been doing:

• Freelancing 
• Applying for jobs 
• Meeting up with old colleagues for coffee and clarity 

Here's what I haven't been doing:

• Blogging 
• Keeping up with my gratitude journal 
• Cooking for my husband like I had hoped when this extra time was bestowed upon me 

(Yeah, I know. I'm bummed about the gratitude journal, too, because I heard how it inspired so many of you. But I plan to get back to it tonight. That I promise.)

What I'm realizing (and what I'm currently struggling with) is that I have to make a decision. Spending four hours each morning job hunting, customizing cover letters and sending out resumes followed by eight hours of sending out pitches and working on freelance assignments has me working like I'm back at a startup. And I don't like it. So I need to choose: Am I going to pursue a full-time job, or am I going to pursue freelance? Freelance is appealing because of the flexibility, and the fact that it would truly afford me the chance to get back to basics, like I'm so badly claiming to want. A full-time job, on the other hand, will afford me a steady salary which would inevitably put me at ease.

So, I wonder: What say you?